Hedgehogs Are Go!!!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Well, I'm officially a big tub 'o lard once more, so in order to fit into the old charity shop suit for neice's June wedding... the slog starts here. I've pretty much conquered the pub-habit of the final months of 2006 (only a couple of visits so far this year) and the beer at home thing is still kept in check by Tolstoy et al. The comfort-eating thing is what I'm addressing now so I'll just have to stick at it. The whole Sunday lunch thing will have to change, but then I have my weekend 'Valentina's Birthday' project to work on. In any case, I'm pretty much sick of the whole slimey, meaty, fatty thing after the past month or so.

Managed to hit the EDSL yesterday and today (after retriving my mislaid username and password) so that's a start. Have to keep that up.

Hedgehog tendencies have been a little too predominant of late but I can overcome them for at least a few hours.

Still struggling with concentration and indecision vis-a-vis life vs. death and the advisability of nurturing new friendships whilst remaining on the fence. Currently looking more than a few weeks ahead is murky and further on inconceivable, whereas I'm not at the point of imminently topping myself. It's that same old coping strategy of short-term targets to live for, mainly relating to other people, and people that I really wouldn't want to screw up by my passing. It has to be more selfish to cop-out, even if one believes no-one will even notice. My firm belief is that even if people don't express it or seem to notice one's existence, nevertheless we are all part of other people's lives. How many times have we met someone 'new' only to be told that they have seen us going about our business i.e. noticed us? I guess my atance on suicide is typically hypocritical in that whilst I believe we have a right to end our individual existence I would move mountains to prevent someone I know from doing so or even getting to that stage. Hypocritical? Selfish? Perhaps and probably. That old cliche 'no man is an island' comes to mind. Our very existence does impact on those around us, whether we are aware of it or not; whether we accept it or not. Are we therefore saddled with an obligation to our fellows?

This is all rather philosophical, I know, so I guess one thought that comes to mind in regard to the above rambling is 'Send The Flowers Now'. Heard a poem read on the old Ed Doolan BBC Radio WM morning show containing this line and it's stuck with me for many years. Having googled it I'm afraid I can't pin down the source. Never mind eh? It's pretty self explanatory.

2007 snogs

posted by Andy 14:38

Questioningly

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Not entirely sure that last post should have passed editorial scrutiny. Just debated a quick deletion but plumped down on the side of leaving it for posterior, so to speak. One does get one's self in a tizzy doesn't one?

Have a new project to work on for the lovely Valentina's birthday which shouldn't be too much of a hassle if I can just get my head down to it. Needless to say it'll involve a certain butterscotch Tele...

May be pottering about on an allotment in King's Heath that I looked over on Monday. A sort of community venture. My involvement being an effort to de-flab a little. We'll see.

Still not sure how this year's progressing and indeed how far it will progress as the whole topping myself thing remains circualting in one's bonce. It has to compete with a couple of things that are endeavouring to keep me rooted to this mortal coil, at least until the dreaded summer.

I'm waffling again. Just generally 'struggling with difficult thoughts' as the psych's would put it.

2007 snogs

posted by Andy 07:21

The Delightful A

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Met, unexpectedly with A at rthe newsagents in the Grosvenor. Was really chuffed, but deflated when she said "I'll see you later". Probably it's her thinking that I wouldn't want to hang around with her rather than a 'bugger-off'. Dunno why, but we seem to have made a good couple, despite my old flabbiness. Thankfully we met up at Anchor and wandered back into town. I really enjoy spending time with her and I think she does too. Unfortunately I'm shit at getting to the point and I think she is too, therefore it's all confabulated. Anyhow, I felt so much better that we had an hour or so hanging around together, and she suggested that we meet next Tue. Awwww, is this a good sign? I just sit on the fence that has one side telling me it's all good and the other side telling me that I'll fuck up her life and mine. What to do!?!? I suppose I should just enjoy the moment. After all, all the previous relationships have hurt me and the other party and I'd hate to hurt A so should I back off? Probably, but I enjoy her company and her smile and the fact that she likes being with me. I'm crap at making and keeping friends so when I 'click' it seems to be wonderful. I probably make too much of it and focus too much on it which probably is a destructive force in the end.
Dunno. I'm waffling. I really like A and being with her and the fact that she likes me and being with me. But I'm an old fat fucker that can't keep relationships going, so I should probably keep my distance. So why am I so drawn to her? Why does it seem so wrong? Why do I feel so emotional? Just history repeating I guess.
All I know is that we get on really well and I would be mortified to hurt her.

Same old story, same old song,

2007 snogs

posted by Andy 15:33

Kamera Obskura

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Bugger me! It's another 3 week jobby innit...

Yuletide - 'nice' and quiet really. More or less lived up to my vow to make as little of it as possible and apart from pre-xmas stress and overdoing the Amontillado on 25th it went pretty much ok. Got my pressies and cards despatched and mine arrived from Serbia and Italy before the day :D
Boxing day - was taxied over to Cov and more by luck than judgement the whole clan was together for a few hours (Mother, brothers, sister-in-laws, nephews and neices). Think it's the first time since grandmas 90th and as you may remember she died shortly after her 98th last year. T'was a good day and team photos were taken on the back garden stage.
New Year - came and went... I slept through it as it goes. Put the telly on for a couple of hours, got pissed off and read Nabakov's 'Kamera Obskura' aka 'Laughter In The Dark'. Absolutely love his writing. So poetic, insightful and economic. Top!
Tolstoy - Quite taken with the chappy. Currently ploughing through 'Resurrection' which is a rollicking good read after testing the water with some short stories e.g. 'Master & Man' (Full text of this short story)
Matt - On Thursday I had my first evening out for the best part of a year with Matt who'd rung up earlier in the week. Was good that I managed to conquer the nerves and get there on a warm and windy evening. The pubs about 2 miles away and called the Romany. Great real ale... but I didn't realise it was actually a gypsy pub! lol. Honestly, the customers were somewhat lagging behind the evolutoinary progress of homo-sapien. Good fun night though; Matt's a top bloke when you get to know him. Took me a couple of days to get over it (may have had more to do with the luke-warm chick-mush pie and chips I grabbed in the Mounts on the way home) and was rather pissed off that my diet/pub avoidance had been scuppered (that was my 2007 debut in licensed premises!) but I'm more or less back on track now.
Northampton buses - they STILL finish before 9pm. WTF is that about???? Maybe having lived in West Midlands for over 30 years previous spoiled me rather. We used to moan about the last bus being at 11pm and only every 30mins in the evening!
Psychiatry/Psychology - swingeing cuts continue apace in Northampton. The are now no psychology services here and, of course, our drop-in closed at the end of 2006. Now I need to get used to the Mind one which is less salubrious, mainly due to the room layout I think. Anyhow, my arrangement to meet A and walk down with her last Tuesday worked out fine although we didn't stay too long before walking back into town. New surroundings, new routine, new people... you get the idea. I'm hoping she doesn't drop the Tuesday affair as we've become quite good buddies in and odd sort of way over the past 6 months and we'd lose touch completely if that were to happen which would bum me out somewhat. I mean, against what everyone else may think we get on pretty darn well. Maybe it's a bad thing. I usually think it is as I fuck up other people's lives, so I shouldn't even become friendly with A according to my prior thoughts and my current reasoning. Dunno. What the fuck should one do? Enjoy the time with the person or back off before you hurt them? It's really confusing and folk are getting worried about the situation. According to that feedback I shouldn't exist and should top meself. I mean those Psych's say that I should do stuff through a motivation for one's own improvement. Well that's something I can't do. I need to be striving for something that will benefit someone else! Sorry! That's how I am. Can't help it. Most of it is from the parents I imagine. The father being the guy who did all the behind the scenes stuff. (Like our old School Song :
Psychiatrist - have outpatients appointment with cuddly-old Dr Patel in a couple of weeks. has it really been 6 months? I expect he'll badger me about bevvies and getting a job as usual. Well I did try the job thing and it buggered my head up as I recall. Possibly get involved in some community allotment thingummy soon. Who knows? Taking me most of my time to get back into the new year groove what with that ECDL bollocks needing to be done and the drop-in situation.
Brown trousers - no, I haven't shit myself, honest! Had to invest in a new pair of trousers last week when I found I could only squeeze my sausage-meat into one voluminous pair. Thank christ for Primark I say.
Friends - lovely surprise to see Sladja and Tijana have MySpace profiles, so a line of communication is back in place! :D
That's enough early morning waffle methinks,
2007 snogs

posted by Andy 08:01