The Secret Battle

Sunday, November 27, 2005

"Any one who says he cares nothing for medals is a hypocrite, though most of us care very little. But if you believe you have done well, and not only is there nothing to show for it, but nothing to show that other people believe it, you can't help caring.

And then, on top of it, when you have a genuine sense of bitter injustice, when you know that your own most modest estimate of yourself is exalted compared with the estimate of the man who commands you - you begin to have black moods."
A.P. Herbert, The Secret Battle p100-101.

While reading The Secret Battle this passage (amongst others it must be said) struck chords for me with relation to my experience and feelings during my last job. I find it pertinent to other aspects of my life and it would be surprising to me if others cannot relate in some way to the sentiments.

Of course the quotation is dealing with the thoughts of the narrator regarding a fellow officer in this short book based both in Gallipoli and the Somme during the 1914-18 war. War literature is not my usual reading material as I'm sure you can imagine, however this slim volume is no ordinary war book. Neither a dry, analytical tome purporting to be factual, action packed 'thriller', personal memoir or biography. What we read is a believable fiction, written by one who served. Rather than action, dialogue or plot we absorb the experience, the conditions, the psychological effects, the injustice, the culture and the evetyday courage of just being there whilst terrified.

At 140 pages it's a small investment of one's time. Less is more. See what you think.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 06:09

Spiritual Spin

Friday, November 25, 2005

George Best: "blessed with a gift from god, cursed by his own nature". Thus quoted Radio4's Today programme from the Idependent. Ok. How about god taking the credit for both or neither? God seems to be credited with benevolence in terms of 'gifts' and 'talents' etc. but rarely the, often balancing, blights and burdens. If a catholic priest is said to be 'called' by god to his vocation, then surely the paedophilia that accompanies the caring for his adult flock must also be attributed to the deity?

All this flies in the face of the 'evidence' provided by our judeo-christian brethren in their Tanakh and Testament. We hear of plagues bestowed upon Egyptians, the annihilation of Sodom and Gomorrah and a whole lot of smiting. The jewish peoples (raised above the rest of us Gentiles in the jewish history oft called Old Testament) have admittedly endured persecution, but also engaged in a fair amount of smiting and continue to do so to this day. Just check out Samuel II for a whole smiting frenzy. Joshua, Judges and Kings amongst others list historical jewish smiting sanctioned by their god. I wonder if any other belief systems or cultures indulge in justified smiting? (rhetorical).

There'll be letters

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 07:41

Fat Lot of Good

Thursday, November 24, 2005

It's official. I'm no longer clinically obese! Hurrah! This abstemious lifestyle is slowly reducing the flab and increasing the self esteem. I'm one of those sad folk that, when on top of things, sets up spreadsheets to plot weight-loss and calculate BMI along with various financial doodlings. Back in the mid '90's all this had to be done on paper, and indeed was done on paper. I knew the kcal value and price to the penny of all the groceries (excepting cleaning products)...
btw, this whole 'clinically obese' thing really takes no prisoners! Once your BMI hits 30, that's it, game over, you're a big tub 'o lard and no mistake! A pound or two less, you're merely overweight. The trained eye can discern no difference, but there it is in black and white.
A little research confirms what you suspected all along. It's statistics. It's a hugely unreliable rule of thumb. Think bone density and muscle mass for starters, let along breasts! (Must I?)

Check your BMI here if you can be arsed, otherwise it's weight in kg/(height in metres [squared]). For me it's a jean-size thing. Fit in one size and I feel better, need the next size and i'm Johnny Vegas.

Off to see the frumpy Occupational Therapist for an early appointment soon. Not expecting a whole lot as it's a "don't normally do this" appointment due to the haranguing (?) the Psych gave the community teams a few months back. I'll fill in the details later.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 07:48

Benefits unkind

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Having grumbled about Blair's over-legislation of anything that moves for several years now I was heartened to hear on the news about a report from the National Audit Office lambasting the benefits system for it's over complicated nature. Legislation based upon the knee-jerk fear of fraudulent claims was, and is, ill thought out. Vulnerable groups remain unaware of the benefits available and by definition have greater difficulty finding information and hacking their way through the claim process. It is unfortunate that just as vulnerable mentally ill people remain an invisible problem, so those other vulnerable people not claiming any, innappropriate or not all the benefits to which they are entitled. The minority of violent or criminally minded folk with a mental illness together with the minority of benefit fraudsters are as obvious as the proverbial sore thumb and therefore an easy target for legislation to salve the electorate.
The ability to have a face to face consultancy with benefit advisors in order to assess the relevant benefits, provide the forms and assist in completion would negate the need for helplines, over-use of the postal system, the appeals system.... Hopefully those in need would access the whole range of benefits available at an early stage and be advised of pathways off benefits if applicable. Surely if error is screened out by an investment in the "frontline" there will be savings in the "backroom" and the recent over-payment scandals consigned to history?

In my recent year-long quest to sort out my financial situation (leaving alone the mental health/suicidal ideation, occupational and social/relationship aspects), the following governmental, voluntary sector and commercial organisations had to be dealt with or at leat approached:

Housing Benefit
Council Tax Benefit
Incapacity Benefit
HC1
Jobcentre Plus
Jobcentre Plus Helpline
Housing & Money Advice Centre
Welfare Rights
Credit card payment protection policy providers
Electricity supplier
Telecomms suppliers (landline and mobile)
ISP
GP/primary care
Psychiatric services (secondary)
Social services
I'll probably put some meat on those bones in a later post.

2006 will bring the process in reverse as I aim to get back into work... Oh joy!

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 08:57

Fallen Idols

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Why, oh why did I watch the Ramones "Raw" DVD?

Having spent countless hours bouncing around to the first four lp's I watched the above with something approaching enthusiasm, after all I only caught them live once (Hummingbird, Birmingham 1991). How wrong I was. The documentary painted a picture of a band that I just couldn't connect with. A band doing a job. a job without passion. A job they didn't appear to enjoy with work colleagues they didn't enjoy a chat around the coffee machine with. Their customers paid their wages. Performers generally have at least 3 personae (?), stage, PR and private. Da brudders seemed to be missing the second, which would be ok if you could actually like the private one.

Surely the live footage be redeeming? No. Given the workaday attitude, that's what came accross. A well practised performance with little humanity or connection with the audience. You want a connection? Stick to the checkout at Sainsbury's or your local library, the girls look better and you may well get a smile, just for you!

I'll try to erase the DVD from memory and maybe in time I can enjoy the first 4 lp's and a best of CD, which are, after all, the only artefacts that stand up today.

Apologies for any offence caused!

Post inspired by Troubled Diva.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 08:54

Herons and flopsy bunnies

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Went for a wander this week. Not too far, just down the hill to Morissons then along the River Nene/Grand Union Canal. My curiosity took me over a sky blue bridge then around a small lake with 2 islands. There was a Heron! Proud upon his nest and further around (on the river) was the mate awaiting fishy delights! Oh and flopsy bunnies too ;o)
Good to see John Cale on 'Later' last night. After much twiddling and fiddling I managed to video it and rip the sound onto GuitarTracks. Hoorah for me!
It's been a fairly productive week on the whole:

Took back control of the finances by cancelling the monthly payment plan Direct Debits (the scourge of the frequently relocating rentalist)
Took a second rather long and exploratory walk around a riverside nature reserve not 10 mins from my bijou mansionette, only marred by a dickhead from Billy Smart's circus walking an assortment of dogs off the lead; yes I did remonstrate and yes he did have a rather pronounced Irish accent (pronounced "eye-rish axe-sent")
Stuck yet another two fingers up to Powergen by returning to the delights of hand-washing and boiling up m'beans on Economy7 rates.
Finally (yes I mean it this time!), got GuitarTracks working superbly (touches wood behind his back with crossed fingers).
Also received another request for a cd, a mixed blessing what with the postage to find, however on balance it's good that folk are interested. I also re-read a cool e-mail from the states:

From: Liz
Date: 07/19/05 14:58:21
To: andy@sonichospital.com
Subject: thanks for the reply!

Hi Andy,

Thanks for your reply. I am still enjoying your cd. I have it playing in
my car everywhere I drive.

Have a great day - I will check out your website, for sure!

Take care,

Liz

... awww :o)))))

Played mucho guitarro and hopefully will get composing/recording over the weekend.
Cut through the psychological barrier of 13 stone on the weight loss quest. Hurrah.

btw everyone's favourite Social Worker comedy Clare in the Community is back, 11.30am Fridays. It paints such a vivid and hilarious portrait of the, ahem, caring professions that I know so well! Listen again here. Wonderful stuff along the lines of:

Clare: "We're not going on holiday there, they don't tolerate same-sex relationships"
Brian: "They have a point. We've been having the same sex for years"

Teehee! Matron! (Apologies for paraphrasing).

Ciao fer now,

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 07:29

Libby Toksvig or Sandy Purves?

Monday, November 07, 2005

Am I the only one that gets confused between Libby Purves and Sandy Toksvig on Radio4? I really ought to juxtapose them on an mp3...

James bloody Blunt and Jim Diamond struck me too. Guess you have to be bloody ancient to know what Jim Di-i-i-i-i-i-i-amond sounds like though.

Real life: spent yesterday hacking through over 2 years worth of mail, from this flat and the previous. Ah life's simple pleasures!

As a relief from the dried bean menu of late I knocked up a simple but effective spicy salmon pasta sauce last night. Netto's amazing value �0.38, 213g tinned pink salmon, olive oil, onion, garlic, "madras" spices, tomatoey stuff and black pepper. Cheap, low calorie, quick, tasty. What more does one want?

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 10:41

Occupational Therapist...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

... makes me feel worse. After an initial 'assessment' at my penthouse the aforementioned, dowdy OT of indeterminate age got me all wrong e.g:

OT: andy should not be so dependent
Andy: andy has lived independently circa 18 out of 25 years (since leaving parental home)

OT: andy is well off and a whinger "some of my clients can't afford a stamp"
Andy: pardon me for accruing �12,000 debt whilst setting up new abodes after failed relationships and during hypomanic episodes

OT: you score high on this depression questionnaire but don't act depressed.
Andy: hey! I'm not the psychiatrist here! Come to think of it neither are you!

Amazing how these people "know" you after less than an hour...

Had a bit of a blip after that and after banging my head at the compulsory walls (i.e. do this or else...) to no avail (impossibility of getting any human or practical support, even an appointment!) the head switch clicked into "fuck myself or fuck the world" mode. I chucked myself at the financial issues and took back a degree of control. At least I have some breathing space. To sum up, one has to contemplate living like a particularly ascetic monk in the foreseeable future and take all the blame for my life (counsellors will argue against this however other professionals, creditors, general public and prospective employers will agree; on balance the second group will have a longer input into one's life so they win that one.) and bounce back/be a fighter (insert cliche of choice) only to be harangued for "being too independent", "not asking for help", "being too aggressive". Cest la vie and all that.

btw, it'll be great to see what comes of Blunkett and Kilroy-Silk's alliance!

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 10:21