Disabled Toilets!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Happy birthday to me, you ingrates!

Treated myself to a few bevvies at the "Moon" and as usual was peeved by the ambulatory users of the 'disabled' toilet. Imagine my surprise upon enquiring of a sprightly chap as to why he was using the DB and receiving an explanation as to "bad legs" "heart condition". When I enquired as to his ciggies, booze and ability to skip merrilly about the premises... the chap rares up, invades my personal space etc. Moi remains stock still. Chap shouts/spits in my personal space (moi remains stock still). Chap becomes aroused, removes his jacket, threatens to kill me and waves his fists in the air. Chap is thrown out. I return to my seat.
Passive resistance rocks.
Thanks for the birthday cards. Love you all.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 17:28

Damage limitation

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Have soul-searched, cried and even made a transatlantic phone call to Kathy. (Well she's my oldest online chum and it was 3am BST). Spent time in isolation and today got some thoughts down on paper. Tried to be objective and honest. There seems to be a way forward. Another run up at the primary care system and psych outpatients is in the offing so am having to formulate a strategy to actually get some help rather than last time when Dr Patel gave me hope which turned out to be a wild goose chase over 4 months which created more stress rather than less. It's amazing to me that one of the basic tenets of supportive helpline work which i taught to my volunteers was not to give false hope or make promises you can't keep, including making promises on behalf of other people; when psychistrists and other health professionals disregard this basic, common-sense rule.
I feel I should be out there doing something rather than letting whatever talents I have degrade along with my physical and financial situation, but the catch 22 is that I know fulwell that if, like today I can only force myself out of the door for 10 minutes before the fear and tears send me back into the depressing sanctuary of the flat.
Anyhow, like I said in a previous post, at least if I'm posting I'm alive which some nice folk have told me is a good thing. Next step is for me to believe them.
Thanks for stopping by,

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 17:15

"Just Good Friends"

Friday, August 19, 2005

Unceremoniously dumped, that's me. Reminds me of that song by the Wildhearts, "My Baby Is A Headfuck". To be honest I should've taken notice of the twin sister's statement about J: "It's all about her", a seemingly off-hand and apparently over-protective remark. With the benefit of hindsight it all falls into place. The blinkered approach to life involves garnering a team of "friends" to cater to her every whim. From booking the 'Ring and Ride' to reading, researching and writing half of her degree work for her. She's been whingeing about how few friends she has, well I can explain that one... the majority are "study support" volunteers or indeed paid workers who beloved blurred the boundaries with and convinced herself that they were going "the extra mile" because they were her friends. Not so. Like beloved they were doing their voluntary work to further their careers and/or earn money, not through altruism. Now she wonders why they have drifted away. And me? The guy she professes to love? It seems that now I've worked my balls off helping her achieve her degree, travelled the country with her, listened to her troubles for 4 years, cared for her through illness, packed her belongings and cleaned her digs in Leeds, unpacked at the other end, got her to her graduation, organised our engagement party (which she hijacked for a second graduation do) and worked to be accepted by her family... obviously now I'm no longer any use to her now she's safely esconced in her rent free bungalow with a gauranteed income for life.
Do I sound bitter? I only just got a straight answer from her last night so have no clue what I feel. Suicidal? Well I certainly can't see a future. Angry? Well there's a thin line between anger and despair. I guess I'm in that numb, self protective limbo and guess I might vacillate between the various negative states to which I alluded.
Dunno. Guess if I'm blogging I'm alive, if not... who knows?

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 09:11

Life's a riot

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Hi! A period of readjustment is ongoing as "other half" tries to rebuild her life in the bungalow after 3 years studying "up north" and moi trying to find a way forward also. The obvious difference is that I have to earn ŁŁŁŁ's in order to survive however other halve's almost "Bull in a China Shop" positivity leaves me breathless! How do I get that proactivity and chase my potential? Breaking the failure-based thoughts of a lifetime seems difficult. I feel that she is whizzing out of my orbit and leaving me behind to become, very shortly, a distant memory. Should I blame my parents for promoting the "light under a bushel" "In Parvis Fidelis" paradigm? Or should I accept the brickbats of the underachiever? It seems a Lose:Lose scenario. Brothers 1 & 3 are over-achievers, being in lofty positions in huge multinationals. Brother 2 is wallowing in self-pity after 7+ years of Bank-manergerless limbo. I can understand his neurosis, but not so much his inertia. I mean here's him, with a grown up family, a paltry mortgage (capital), gorgeous and loving partner, an amazing redundancy package... and he faffs around thinking he can just slip into a similar job in between "get poor quick schemes" and a complete refusal to claim benefits or accept psychiatric help....
And here's moi. No huge redundancy package. No wife. No kids. No mortgage (just ever increasing rental), no qualifications, a certified loony (on and off), no capital, a failure at everything I tried (despite excelling in most prior to failure), a relationship whereby I can only be intimate depending on ability to travel 80 miles etc etc etc. Not that I wish to complain or anything, it's just that a grown bloke with proven abilities who takes the chance on asking for help appears to be taken about as seriously as a quadraplegic juggler.
Thereby endeth the gripe,

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 16:44

Quality Time

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Finally my beloved and I get some quality time to chill, snog and snuggle without a to-do list of 1001 things to do to please everyone else. Hoorah!
Fiance came down yesterday afternoon, still wearing the ring (phew) and we had a lovely quiet night watching Donny Darko on the box. Crazy film! But good nonetheless. Definitely not boring. In fact I think that's about the first entire film we've managed to watch together in two months. Cool.
Today is a day of rest. A veggie roast dinner and chillout session.
Shocked to hear about Robin Cook. 59 is no age. As far as politicians go he was one of my favourites along with Clare Short and a few others who have principals and humour rather than a single-minded quest for power regardless of principalled honesty. Yesterday I said to Mother-dear on the phone that we should have a civil war and I'd be on the side of the Cavaliers (not just cuz I have a foreskin and thus am not a Roundhead rotflol!) as a Monarchy seems preferable to the morass of three party politics we currently languish under. King Charles would ban processed foods and get us eating more fruit and veg which I'm sure would go some way to improve the loutish behaviour of late. He has also stood up to be counted as "Defender of Faith" rather than of "the faith", surely that may go some way to improve international relations. Maybe he may also seek to have a more rational approach to drugs i.e. Nicotine and Alcohol. Alcohol and gambling are being made more widely available in the misguided opinion that legislation will somehow change the cultural attitudes inherent in the population rather than the "Kids in a Sweet Shop" reaction that I envisage. Alcohol and gambling cause far more violence and strife for families, friends and society than having a fag in a pub in the designated area. The economics don't even stack up and as for the "popular support" for a ban on smoking in public places, well that may well be so although a slightly more relevant result may be reached if the people directly involved were polled e.g. Licensees, staff and customers (note the deliberate order as in my opinion customers now come bottom of the pile in England).
Ok, enough of my Victor Meldrew-isms for now.

It's good to be back!

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 09:14

Relapse

Friday, August 05, 2005

Is that self explanatory or should I explain? Maybe explain without too much detail. Ok, so I've been working my bollocks off sorting out the party, getting lectures on being respectful to prospective in-laws, catering to the whims of guests (dietary and environmental), being ordered about, criticised, being made to feel bottom of my beloved's priorities and generally taken for granted. Admittedly this is only how I have perceived events and I'm only blogging it because you guys are the only ones likely to give credence to my perception. Anyhow, suffice to say I held it together reasonably well but eventually I collapsed in tears which turned to anger, frustration and suicidal despair when rather than understanding of my needs I only perceived criticism and blame... the guilt trip.
So I'm home, can't wear t-shirts for a while as I've new cuts, am on the verge of tears and suicide is once more on my agenda.
If anyone's to blame (other than me, obviously) it's NHS and Social Services who have given me no practical support in 8 months other than pills, 1 hour with a Staff Grade Psychiatrist, an assessment interview at the Day Hospital, a letter stating that Day Hospital is not appropriate and a referral to some other place miles away for which I am awaiting a letter of some sort for yet another assessment interview, blah, blah, blah...

Thanks for listening,

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 09:57