CD-RW drive won't write!!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Buggeration!

This has happened before. Engineer came, took cables off, put 'em back and it worked. I try the same thing, does it work? Does it fook!

Just a post to say I'll post soon,

ciao fer now!

posted by Andy 22:40

Ups and downs...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Snogs and snags. Ok, I had a pretty weird week of last, what with treating bro D., Tony and Dani to the Harry Hill gig and having Dani for the weekend. It was all cool except for my inherent naivety/plonkosity (poetic license). Therefore as previously stated there was a certain amount of unrest.
But back to the blog. "This week I have mainly been studying dramatherapy". Yupperz, GF has been here for a few days and is well behind with studies re: above. Therefore one is immersed in the works of Jenkins, S. Blatner, A. Kettner, Landy, R. etc etc etc ad infinitim. (bugger!).
Been plagued by visions and urges re: violent self-harm, suicide and murder these past few days which has, understandably been difficult to discuss with GF and has caused certain tensions. Thankfully we are both still breathing, unscathed (excepting the odd minor burn on moi) and doing our best to communicate our feelings.
I got my redundancy notice and so officially end my 8 years employment with Rethink on 06/05/05. I probably should say that I have mixed feelings about this but as I cannot see any future beyond the coming bedtime it's hard to get sentimental. Looking back I know that there were things I did in the media, people I met, people I had affairs with (teehee) etc. etc. etc... that came out of that period, and if I live much longer I could detail them.
Anyhow, redundancy beckons or indeed redeployment/benefits... whatever. All well and good if one is savvy enough and motivated enough to sort one's life out. My problem is that I only look forward to the next bedtime and the main thing keeping me alive is not wanting to hurt the GF. So how the fuck can one make decisions about one's financial/career future?
With the above in mind it is annoying to have to relate that I am plagued with suicidal thoughts more often and indeed ideas of self mutilation and (thankfully) less frequent violent urges towards other folk. I'm still waiting for an "emergency" appointment with a psychiatrist after two months and am seriously hanging in here by dint of self harm/alcohol and care for GF. NHS is so cool, yeah right. Guess when I actually get my psych appointment it'll be with some "English as a second language" underling that has no overview of my history let alone ideas regarding therapeutic intervention beyond increasing the chemical.
Never mind. I'm still here. I still regard my internet chums with high esteem and not wishing to fuck-up the GF is keeping one in one piece (just about, lol) so obviously Tony Blair's target oriented NHS is so cool it fucking hurts!!!!!

btw, Carla looks sooooo cool with the blonde!

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 01:35

Redundundancy, Alcohol, Tears, Anger... v.bad

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Yesterday wasn't a diamond in my tiara. Mother phoned. She's home after the knee replacement and in severe pain. Boss came to visit, I wasn't too good. Lots of options but very hard to make any sense as I only look to the next bedtime at present rather than weeks, months or years into the future. Felt like shit most of the day. Was good to hear from Cristina in Romania. Litened to some outrageously prejudiced guy in PalTalk slagging off Islam and all Muslims in a vitriolic, ill-informed, narrow-minded, agressive way. Received a pic of my little sister crying into her webcam because I have a GF. Got angry and upset. Probably e-mailed and posted loads of stupid stuff and drank too much.
Apologies to anyone I pissed off.
Going now cuz I have to pick up GF from coach station.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 16:15

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Fuck Fuck...

Everyone hates me even when I am trying to be a friend. Don't assume my exclusivity. I care a lot about everyone, maybe I shouldn't. Should I ask who I get close to? I shouldn't get close to anyone. I fucking apologise if I did not make myself clear. I thought I had. Don't you understand the word "friend"? Blame me for everything. Don't forget that you won't be hurt s much as others.
Lived till the concert so what else is there?
snogs

posted by Andy 21:31

New "Boredom Relief" content

Thursday, March 10, 2005

... self explanatory really.

Off to see Harry Hill again (4th time) tomorrow. It's a combined birthday present for brother David, Nephew reuben and Dani. (Wish Dani a happy b-day for 13th everyone!). Hoped that mother would be coming too but she's gone in for the knee replacement operation this week which should be all done by now. My old mate Tony is coming instead, which will be cool. the evening is sold out! Wasn't like that before, but then he has mass media exposure on ITV these days.

Signed off by the quack till mid April and still awaiting Psych input. What the hell. I have better days and worse days you know. I have an assortment of suicide plans formulated which means less worry! lol.

Had some bloke on Odigo yesterday who seemed desperate for sex. I mean he wanted to give me his phone number after 1 minute! I'm not used to this sort of thing. It's been great to hear from Sladja online once again and Dani has broadband too! Met a new bod in Montenegro called Mira and have chatted a couple of times. I really should chat more as the interaction is therapeutic methinks.

Should be seeing the boss next week. Seems that the service will be wound down or at least reduced and reconfigured, thus making my current post redundant in April. No real surprises there.

STOP + PRESS +++ Michael Jackson has a 'bad back' lol!!!. Only guy I know that gets sent to hospital with a sniffle, dances like a loon and yet trys to excuse himself from his court appearance with a twinge. I mean it's not like he has to catch a bus or even walk himself! Gee willackers! Anyhow, I'm deffo not the guy's biggest fan you may have gathered and even if he himself had a tough, abusive childhood that does not exempt him from his legal responsibilities and accountability. Likewise the 'he's so pure and innocent' defence doesn't cut it. If the guy is that naive that fondling kiddies seems natural to him (as he seems to maintain) it's still against the law! If this was UK we would hear that 'ignorance of the law is no defence', i.e. if an offence is comitted, that's it. Mitigating circumstances may reduce sentencing and possibly the charge, but that's it. Finito.

Anyhow, that's my lot for now. Somebody please kick my arse into gear!!!

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 19:50

In Dreams Begin Responsibilities

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Delmore Schwartz wrote a short story with that title that Lou Reed cites as an influence.
Some recent dream memories include:
Work, office, Tim, angry, cleared stuff out, told Tim to turn radio off, PC infected with a virus, Tim wouldn't tell me how to clean it, MD (Giampiero Barbanera) had a go at me - misinterpreted my feedback as a criticism, bumped into naturisty couple booked to give a talk
going on holiday in a car, seven of us, field with a weird house... all blue glass on ground floor, problems with getting a driver, in a shop, looking at semi-precious stones, recommended a light blue one called ????? for Dani, looking into various alternative/spiritual readings, people generally dressed in pink fur.
At a church which was at the top of a very windy staircase with dark-wooden (very old) stairs and white, plastered walls like an old cottage with daffodils growing, at the top was an old bookshop, bought some books, then in the church with loads of churchy types, someone got baptised in the back room, it was locked and we couldn't access it, later I went to explore the back rooms and found loads of printed religious tracts. Eventually went into the now unlocked back room to find all the books and things that people had bought, people standing around table , woman at back holding up books, one was mine, got in a frustrated rage and jumped oin the table stood in front of the woman remonstrating with her.
Recurring themes - church, work, anger, frustration, sex, confusion, always behind and trying to catch up, people don't like me and misunderstand me, always annoying people.
Have not edited those brief notes, so apologies for the burble. Maake of it what you will.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 11:21

Nostalgia for an age yet to come...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

... as the Buzzcocks once opined. With nothing else to do on Sunday I googled for my youth. In essence, the gigging period in the late 80's early 90's (rather than tail end psychosis era in early-mid 90's). Imagine me surprise to find a site area dedicated to the Ludicrous Lollipops! In those pre and just post psychosis years I hit many local gigs and even ventured afield...

(e.g. the week spent sleeping rough, drinking and popping caffeine pills and shit (no idea what) in central Birmingham. That week was fun in some ways, catching bands at the Hummingbird including Ramones, UK-Subs, Splodginessabounds, 999, Another Fine Mess etc etc etc and walking, drinking between times. I know I slept rough and sped and recall travelling back to Cov with inexplicably ripped jeans and leather. This was the post redundancy/pre section 3 period.)

Inbetween times and either side of there were top nights following Marc Byer's band (not the leader, but my mate) the Tendermen, around Cov and surrounding areas. This was accompanied by mucho bevvie and pot. At that time gigs were at the Campbell, Dog and Trumpet (Wuff and Puff), General Wolfe, Dive (Godiva) etc. Other bands around that time were Splash With Sonya, The Pilgrims, Bonediggers, Roddy and the Raiders, DJF, Dead After Dark, Big In Texas, Ludicrous Lollipops, Curious Oyster and bands from (slightly) further afield such as Crazyhead, Lush, Spear of Destiny, Screaming Blue Messiahs, were all to be seen and indeed were sawn (?).

The Tendermen were the group I followed and venerated. Marc was my mate, Neil (his band really) was cool, Gaz was an ace drummer and the songs were top! I have some tapes to this day that recall the splendour of those evenings. Political, tuneful, lovelorn, frenetic, danceable... those guys had the lot! Plus attitude! (Although substances and rock'n'roll is a fun cliche to live, it does have certain side-effects and legacies).

One recalls mourning the loss of local gigs as a side-effect of the policies which coerced ever increasing hoardes to engage in further education: therefore the student venues that once pandered to the tastes of the academic and/or bohemian chased the currency of the mainstream i.e. dance culture.

Berlimey!

Off on the National Express tomorrow for a couple of days. On return I have appointments with debt/advice people and GP. GP will doubtless be pissed off with me as I need a backdated sick-note for work. Need to arrange a meeting with the boss again really. No word from psych services (never around when you need 'em). Anyhow, I'm obviously still around and keeping the brain ticking over, just a shame about body and soul.

2005 snogs

posted by Andy 18:25