Healing Rooney

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

ROONEY! ROONEY!

Sad that he's done his ankle in. No more dancing and cheeky-chappie antics! Strange how the only colour pics I can find are of some fat, bald bloke... weird!

Did manage to dig up this pic of Rooney in hospital tho....

I'm reading a strange book by some American bimbo called Brandon Bays at the mo, under duress I might add. It's one of those "I'm so wonderful and aware and cured myself of a cancerous tumour the size of a basketball in 6 weeks so can make shit-loads of money" kinda books. Only reading it as I was ordered so to do by a chum and am such a wimp that I gave in, anyway, keep an open mind and all that? I trawled through the first quarter of the tome and I'm afraid I'm not convinced. Nothing is referenced, no research, all private medicine... and this woman makes her living from doing 'seminars' on healing, so I kinda detect a vested interest here. (Her hubby is in the trade too). Added to that this bab is rolling in dosh to the extent that she can fly around north America and Canada at a whim, paying private therapists willy-nilly; hmmmm....

Perhaps if there was a little empirical evidence on show rather than repetitive, paraphrasing and self-agrandising such as "I spend all my time helping others (ahem, talking at seminars and earning shit-loads of dosh) that I have burnt myself out" (sticks fingers down throat).

Anyhow, I'll read the whole thing (and try not to be put off by the peroxide blonde, Californian face held together by hairspray that leers at me from the tacky front cover) and report back on the revelations she promises that with cure us of all our ills from cancer to shyness, from addiction to asthma. Whoo! Watch this space kids!

snogs

posted by Andy 18:56

Upgrades, Mergers and Nanny-State ISPs

Monday, June 28, 2004

Sorry I haven't paid any attention to this site for a week or so, I've just been a miserable sod really.

Somebody please tell me why so many times, when you are asked (offer you can't refuse) to upgrade software, you are left with a larger, lumbering bit of memory-hungry, constraining, bug-infested code that requires days of fiddling with settings, fixes and registry keys to enable it to function anywhere near as well as the previous release? Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!!

Ever since BT tied in with Yahoo it's been hell! They seem to want to create a 'safe-surfing' nanny-like, AOL alternative. First I was cajoled into downloading their new browser which I then had to disable due to it being aforesaid lumbering AOL-clone. Since then I have had more shitty spyware/crash/memory issues than you could shake a shitty-stick at. Now the coup-de-grace! Last week I get these 'please authenticate your e-mail address' messages and duly attempt the mods. I follow the instruction to the letter. Ok so far. So why, today, can I not send e-mail, getting an irritating '535, only BT users can access this server' message!!! Fuck!!!! I scour various web-sites for info, upgrade my Incredimail... still to no avail. Now I guess I will have to try e-mailing BT-Yahoo support, with my fucked e-mail prog. Hmmmm.... maybe if I log onto my account on the BT-Yahoo site I could e-mail from there.... it's a possibility I guess. What's clear is that this will take me hours/days to sort out, and all for some purported 'security enhancement' that has been foisted upon us.

Ho-hum, I won't even mention the lumbering morass of fixes and frigs that is MS Windows. WTF don't they start from scratch? (Yeah I know the answer is pretty obvious, but c'mon, they phased out 425 line TV, LSD (pre decimalised currency), leaded petrol and will be phasing out analogue TV in the not too distant future so how hard can it REALLY be?

snogs

posted by Andy 17:51

Occupational Health

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I had to go to Bedford today. T'was my Occupational Health interview/assessment/whatever, as agreed by me, my boss and a third party. M,kay, I got just unmder the 48 hours allowed to withdraw or reconvene. So we reconvene?!Nah! I travel down on the X2 bus through the green and pleasant Northamptonshire/Bedfordshire countryside to arrive in the multicultural capital of, errr, Bedfordshire, lol! (If you've been here, you'll know). M'kay, it's bloody hot, the bus is over 20 mins late and the Occupational Health Dept is THE furthest from the main reception (give us a map next time!)

Ok, so I arrive, spurting sweaty secretions and get called in to see DR Ismael. (He's a locum! Huzzah!) The guy has no idea about occupational health as refers to mental health i.e. the job's relation to my ill-health. Even so, he's a nice guy. Language barrier is still there and I get overly irritable on accasion, but like Friday I think I can be forgiven due to aforesaid language barrier and the honesty of my words. The guy is, despite the language barrier and his unpreparedeness, a really nice guy. He listens! He smiles! He's a genuinely nice guy!

I embark on the lonely return journey. Unfortunately I succomb to the bevvies, but feel pumped and almost positive! Shit! I know I should've kept away from the bevvies, but as I tried to tell the 'African' guy, I need to be brassic in order to abstain: if I am in a supermarket... there's that temptation to pick up a wine box/2ltr bottle or whatever. Supermarket's can be evil emporium's for the weak-willed, methinks.

At least I got to make a couple of phone calls this evening, including the Mothership. I wanted to clarify various things about my childhood and we were going great guns but I think the Mother was getting upset as she wanted to end the chat. I don't know why, but I have some vivid memories of those early days and the Mother is the only way I can clarify those memories, and yet she's a little hazy about those events too.

Need to meet up with the boss-man soon in order to discuss my 'future' within the organisation. Gee-Willackers! Like I am thinking about the future already! Having said that, lil' old Dr Ismael was a nice guy and that seemed to perk me up. Don't ask.

2004 snogs

I hope that the stars will play just as well!

posted by Andy 01:11

Psych Assessment

Friday, June 11, 2004

in honour of Dr "Chukwejeckwu" Chris

btw this really cracks me up! What with Brown being my surname and all. Thanks to Valentina for the link! :op streaming is a little hit-and-miss but persevere, lol

Well waddya know? I turned up on time to see this Dr with a name that would be a top Scrabble score... loads of consonants. He seems ok, I'm nervous. Usual questions... "what is the problem" etc etc etc. There is some other guy observing... I don't object (I'm seeking help, right?). Slightly annoying that the Psych has no history for me apart from the 10 minutes I've spent with GP over past 6 months. Do my best to be honest and upfront but get impression Dr thinks I'm taking the piss. Impression is re-inforced by his frequent glances at clock behind my head. I ask him about this. Doh! Stupid Andy! How stupid of me to assume that the Psych assessment I have waited for for two months might actually be important!

I try to be open and honest as per usual, it's not easy and I hope he appreciates this. In the middle of a painful revelation his pager goes off. He apologises and answers, picks up phone and talks to his estate agent... they are asking �165,000, he says he won't pay "no more than �156,000". I obviously have his full attention (?).

I continue to be as honest as I can. He harangues me in a 'Catch22' kinda way, like, if you are really ill you would not have sought help. I try to keep my cool and say that as my mental health has been an issue for years and I work in the business, I thought I was doing correct thing by seeking help. I further try to explain my inner-most feelings only for Psych to roll eyes in a "you're making this up" kinda way.

He suddenly picks up phone and says he is going to speak to Consultant. He departs with the observer and tells me to "observe the lovely scenery" outside the window. After 20 minutes or so he returns. He asks me what I think my problem is. I am flummoxed. Observer is playing with mobile phone, apparently txt'ing g-friend. Observer says he has to go.

Long story cut short. Meds quadrupled. I say that I could do with someone to talk to. Psych tells me 'I am not English and I don't know how English people socialise'. He suggests I go to the Gym.

Why do I bother?

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 19:37

Transit of Venus 2004

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

A little treat for all you asronomy fans out there!

Ok, ok, I have to do something to take my tiny mind off the vacuum that is my life. Weekend just vanished into my smelly bed almost entirely. Just a venture into the, ahem, 'living' room late afternoon & evening before back to the pit reasonably early and staying awake until 4 or 5am. Few fitful snatches of weird dream, wake up drenched in sweat type sleep and so it goes. In the waking hours I've managed to hack through some of a book, so the brain's not entirely dead. Wonder of wonders, yesterday i even cleaned up the mouldy detritus from the kitchen that had accumulated once again so that's some sort of achievement I guess.

Today (as you can deduce) I'm out of the pit before noon, despite being awake till 5am then awake again at 6am, then 7am onwards. Main reason is that it's getting pretty hot and bed-stench is not great. Anyhow, I have to make myself go out of the flat for the first time since Friday... really exciting stuff... put rubbish out and buy food and post an 'I didn't really forget your birthday I just didn't make it out of the flat to post it' card. Also have to make my Tuesday phone-call to the boss which, oddly, I feel more comfortable doing outdoors (don't ask why, I'm weird).

I have my Psych assessment on Friday morning which will be a hoot. Some Psychiatrist with lots of consonants in their name who won't know a thing about me, won't have seen me at my worst, will ask stupid questions and not realise that I'm just existing and waiting to die so the upshot will be back to the same situation, stress build-up (probably quicker this time) then back at the quack's again and so on and so on until I finally end up in A&E or a box. Chances of some psychological or, heaven help, life-changing stuff rather remote to say the least. I mean it's that old chestnut about treating the symptoms/disease and not the cause, right?

Apologies to anyone and everyone I probably need to apologise to.

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 11:10

Underground, Overground...

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Wombling free!!!!

well fuck me! I ask myself that all the time! btw, 'womble penis' returned 36 results on GOOGLE. don't ask... just... don't!

Anyhow, I guess this one would sum me up....

more tombstones later.....

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 20:15

Rather remiss of me

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Huge apologies to anyone that is actually listening. I'm still off work. Pay has reduced. Still cutting occasionally and eating/drinking unhealthily. But what the hell. You guys aren't interested in this stuff I guess.

btw, thanks to Graheme for letting us know about this evil scam

Friday was Quack day. He asked if I was suicidal, so I answered truthfully, as I generally do, by saying that I had no solid plan but had done some research. Now I'm sure that all this does not fit into their nice 'diagnostic criteria' but wtf! I have been here there and everywhere before now! I mean all these questions like "how are you", "how have you been", "do you feel suicidal" ... well! I mean! wtf! If you felt shit, how would you tell them? And more to the point, if you WANTED to tell them, how would you phrase it? And self harm??? Suicide??? Well these are pretty personal things right? It's almost like Catch22, if anyone gets my drift?
Any road up. Here I am. Still stuck in my little hole, expecting my money to be cut, no help with even my own little life in this little box, let alone work and social stuff. Yet what questions are you asked? How can we change things? How can 'blah,blah, blah', well if I fucking knew then maybe I could do something!!!
Stupid thing is that I cannot (or at least find it really hard to) communicate using the phone. Maybe that's why I really value my online chums. However I know I've been neglecting even then of late. (Slaps his wrists).

btw, thanks to Carlala for the chat. You're a top babe!

Someone might associate with this feeling, dunno:
"I don't think about the future, even the present is too painful"

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 01:05