I dream of Jeannie with the light brown teeth...

Saturday, January 31, 2004

Hands up those of you who recognise that song? No? Ok. Sod you then! lol!

I'm oddly feeling better despite all the amazingly disturbing dreams and stuff. And when I say amazingly disturbing I mean having all of you secret neurosis and a few more besides being played out in ful technicolour feelaround sound, dig?

If you fancy having the full, unedited version.... well here goes. I am incredibly happy at having not eaten for two whole days! (three days on friday) and I feel so much better for it! I know it's unhealthy and such but It makes me feel better, it's a control thing! I function better when screwed! lol Well the time o worry is when I am below 9'7"" ok? until then it's just my obsessive way to control my body.

Tonight was weird as I was at work till gone 8pm then had a bevvie in the Artizan till 9 and then home for a natter with online chums. Then, at maybe 11, I get a call from Trudi in her Taxi saying she will pop round for a coffeee in 10 mins.... WTF!!!!????!!!??? I mean we've never actually met face to face before, just online and on the dog. Well arrive she did and we had a nice chat for 10 mins or so and I admired her large black cab, lol. Crazy , crazy , crazy, crazy nights! (80's joke). Very odd thing for me as I have noooo visitors whatsoever let alone unannounced ones...

Well, it was a change!

2004 snogs in a taxi

posted by Andy 01:10

Tart Flu....

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Feeling slightly better today but buggered if I can think why. Ok I chatted with a couple of colleagues which was cool, relieved the isolation a trifle I suppose. Was lovely to get a comment from Cindy and I had a chat with Dani on th phone as well as Trudi, Katherine, Pat and Dani (online). Great to have friends one thinks. It was also cool to chat with Nickoli who has finally revamped his site! yay! Also a shout to the delightful Carla who is still plugging me despite my dickhead tendencies, lol. (thanks hun)

So I AM still down in dumps. I AM still ncredibly fatigued. I Am still totally fucked and demotivated. But look above and I should count my blessings I guess????

My dear (sic) boss has apparently come down with "tart flu" (like bird flu only affects slappers) and is avoiding anyone who 1) she is not likely to work with after March, 2) anyone who is likely to rock her boat. I'm told by official sources that she caught something while in the Gambia whereas others tell me she is perfectly ok... hmmmmm. I've been here before, lame duck manager! btw, and this is pretty secret, lol, she has been sorting out an emergency passport renewal, now this info combined with the gossip that she met this nice tinted gentleman makes one wonder...... y'know? Tart flu IMHO and good riddence.

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 23:35

This Mortal Coil

Monday, January 26, 2004

No, not the 80's/90's band of the same name, just a conclusion that I'm fucked, life-wise. I remember a consultant psych saying that I was not an alcoholic/drug addict way back in the day (hate that phrase but it seems to be in common parlance) just have a low tolerance. Well I'm not so sure about that and anyway those guys have been known to use reverse psych on occasion. Where's this blog going? Dunno yet. But to let you into a fragment of my world...

I keep looking for an end
I hoard things... to the extent of favourites on IE
I have destructive tendencies
I have destructive dependencies
I self harm, in long term and occasionally short-term ways (like the half-arsed cutting yesterday)
I deal with loss badly
I isolate myself
I'm happiest when in strict control od my body e.g. when I did the eating disorder thing
I have no faith in my abilities
I hurt those I love
I love those I hurt
I was in many ways much happier when I had no money (not like I'm rolling in it now)
I have no ambition cuz that requires A:some faith in yourself B:a belief in your continued existence

Dunno why I posted this, just felt the need I guess. Maybe it will provide some clarity. Maybe I should try doing that positive list thing? Ok, I'll start by listing some of the people I appreciate in no particular order: Jan, Carla, Sladja, Jit, Dani, Cindy, Kathy, Vale, Laura

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 17:07

Magic Hangover Pills

Saturday, January 24, 2004

I just checked my backlog of spam on the server (lovely little filter they have there) and I'm getting completely paranoid! Yes, of course I know about spyware and stuff but this is freaky! They seem to know my innermost thoughts, feelings and fears! Ok, I'll explain...

Until recently my spam has been 90% Paris Hilton related (whatever that is), then last week I make a comment in my blog about this and suddenly it stops! Magic! Sounds good? Hmmmm.... not so sure. Why? Well as I have documented my poor start to the year vis a vis mental health it blew my mind to find that my spam now consists of 80% valium and antidepressant pushers, 10% using reverse psychology on the size of me cock, 9% diet pills and, my personal fave... Magic Hangover Pills! yay! Who the fuck wants a mgic hangover pill????? That's just stoopid! I mean if I'm gonna have a hangover I at least want the enjoyment of getting trashed and embarrassing myself the night before! Or maybe I haven't quite understood what those pills are for....

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 17:34

Bird Flu?? Just another excuse to blow you out I reckon! lol!

Friday, January 23, 2004

Nah, seriously. I'm quite concerned about Laura, suddenly the dissappearance of the domain with no warning? Was it something I said? Honestly, that's the kind of stupid thing I think/worry about for no good reason, ho-hum.

After the London meeting I was sooo shagged out! I mean I was hot and dehydrated before the meeting but without any cold water all day! sheesh! Suffice to say I slept about 12 hours straight!

Today I was awake and up witn the lark! At the orifice before 7.30am which was a pleasant surprise in some ways. I mean my sleep patterns are shot to fuck! So to get a good run at a day's work is pretty good!

Got my xmas pressy from Jan (ex) today. She shocked me by trotting up my orifice stairs about 11am, unanounced! She gave me a Lou Reed book that I didn't already have and I finally got to give her that water-colour of the Rugby World Cup. I think she liked it, hope so anyhow.

2004 snogs to anyone who isn't too proud :o/

posted by Andy 21:55

Commentary running like a pustule

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

You know those guys who sit in pubs and insist on talking bollocks to anyone who will listen... and a few others besides? Well I popped in the Gardeners for half hour after work tonight and there was this guy, usual sort, trying to look young and hip but really being 60-odd. You can spot them by the shoes... often elastic sided boots, either brown or black, but invariably as slick as their grey (or occasionally unnaturally black) hair. This particular guy was a fan of Arsenal... how do I know? Cuz he kept on and on about being a gooner and how Middlesborough stood a chance and this Italian guy was the best referee in the world and.... yawn... I mean it made absolutely NO difference to this guy whether anyone was listening or not. Then he starts the running commentary... "Oh indeed, it's a rum do. Maybe I should go to the toilet. It's about time I did some shopping, indeed it is. I'll enjoy watching the match on TV tonight..." etc etc ad infinitum. I mean I've no problem with genuinely psychotic mumblers, obviously, given my, ahem, trade and life experience, but these guys are sooooo annoying! Also in my experience they have been known to be predatory gay guys. Now don't start telling me I'm prejudiced, it's just an observation, based on personal... and I mean VERY personal experience... I used to be rather an attractive proposition to those chaps at one time. I know, I know, I should be totally accepting of differences and suchlike, but hey! This is the real world! And I have no problem with anyone who doesn't PISS ME OFF!

Oo-er, I'm obviously not a cheery chipmonk at the mo, right? It's not my usual style to rant and rave like this. Kinda down in the dumps right now, low self esteem/motivation. Not to the extent I was last summer but not wonderful. So bear with me while I get things of my chest, lol.

Off to London tomorrow for an exciting meeting! *not* But it'll be a day out I guess and will be good to see Don & Andy.

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 19:11

Atheist Monastery

Friday, January 16, 2004

My excellent friend Sladja is back in the land of chat! I was sooooooo happy/surprised/chuffed/shocked etc tonight when I logged onto Yahoo to see Sladja lit up like a xmas tree! I mean it's been 7 months or more since she lost the job at the Cyber Cafe, and that meant that we lost touch cuz she had no home pc, Maybe that doesn't sound much of a deal to you guys and I'd hate for this to sound as if i value any one of you less... it's just that Sladja was such a great friend... and still is. I mean we chatted almost every night for over six months... sometimes for three, four or five hours. Then when she had no PC we kept in touch by TXT and remembered to send pressies and stuff. I know this all sounds pretty lame to you guys, but I've rarely found a friend that actively kept in touch with me rather than me having to make the effort. Anyhow, Sladja is a special friend of mine, alongside Kathy, Dani & Vale who are in many ways more "real" than people I know in the flesh if you know what I mean. Christ this makes me sound like a right sad case!

Well, whatever, I know that my virtual-chums are often my best friends and I appreciate them, m'kay? I make no apologies for this!

On a more sombre note... I have to have that awkward conversation with chuckles tomorrow.... she has totally constructed this "true love scenario" around me and seems to be reliant on me. Shit! So I either play along with this and let her down later... or I drop her from a great height tomorrow... whatever I do, I'll feel a complete shit and probably ruin her life. bugger! think I should become a fucking monk! all the women I fancy don't fancy me, are "on a spiritual journey" or whatever, and the ones that do are, well, obsessed, wayyyyy too needy or just plain stalkerish-scary-people. Fuck! I'm better off becomng a monk... but FUUUCCCKKKK!!!! they're bleeding christians! Always some fucking obstacle in my way! Can we not please have a monastery for athiests?

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 20:08

Incommunicado

Monday, January 12, 2004

Ok so I thought I should call the mothership today as I haven't spoken to her for about a week. I know I've done this before but sometimes I just wanna be uncontactable y'know? So I unplug the phone and put the mobile(s) on divert for a few days. Anyone else do that? I know it gets folk worried about me, partly cuz I did it last time I got "ill" but also it's like that advert. Remember? The one where that old dear is having a bath with her old geyser of a lover and sharing wine and snogs... meanwhile her grown up daughter is getting really concerned cuz she can't get a reply? remember it now? anyway, it's kinda like that. So I called the mothership on my lunch break while having a fag in the cool outside and she's just her usual moans and groans. Tonight I really ought to call chuckles cuz she's been calling and leaving messages like every night! But, you know, that gets a little too much IMHO, I don't wanna talk to ANYONE every single night, unless maybe it's a mad, passionate, all-engrossing infatuation thing going on (which tends to drop you from a great height anyway). I really ought to send some negative signals to ween her off a little (god that sounds soooo cold and calculated) but it's just not that easy for me. I mean so many people warned me against letting chuckles get too dependant and suchlike and I know I shouldn't have let it happen, so slap my wrists and tell me I'm a shit! different people have different perceptions of relationships in general and in particular and how the fuck do people generate huge scenarios out of the blue about the status of a relationship? buggered if I know! just remember i'm a really great bloke, until you get close.... beware!!!!

PS i have no clue and no interest in finding out what this fucking Paris Hilton video is (Paris Hilton fucking video?) so stop telling me about it!
PPS stop sending me fucking Credit Card cheques! please! I'm sick and tired of shredding them every week, ok?
PPPS thanx to Carla & Cindy for the links and stuff and Laura for the comments =)

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 17:38

Mr Tony Blair, I have analysed you.....

Friday, January 09, 2004

BUSH
Pronunciation: b�sh, b�sh

Dream Dictionary

Definition: Dreaming of a bush, symbolizes feminine emotions and desires. It may also be a reference to the female genitalia. Dreaming that you are hiding behind a bush, suggests that you are keeping something a secret. You may also be seeking protection. You are not being completely open.

____________________________________

Thanks so much to Sladja for the birthday/xmas/new year pressies I received yesterday!

Amazing how people in Serbia, Italy and USA can send pressies to me and family who live 30-50 miles away are too tight to buy stamps! *rolls eyes*

Anyone know what's happened to Laura?

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 09:52

Lo! A star in the east! Nah! It's a twat in a 4x4!!!

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Nearly got run over tonight....

Just returning from the semilong Co-op with a bag of goodies, dark, rush hour. As you can see from above diagram I was using the pedestrian crossing like a good boy, the traffic lights were on red, nice cuddly cars had stopped, green man was exposing himself... right time to cross you may think? Woah no! Not with 4x4 twat around! I'd seen this ridiculous threesome in the shop earlier, buying whole crates of beer, the mother and daughter looking incredibly tarty and, have to say, daughter was a real grommet! Anyhow, I just set foot on the crossing when 4x4 twat decides to put pedal to plush interior and uck off right over the crossing, through the red lights and into the distance. Bastard! Now, not only is it patently ridiculous to be driving one of those shit-heaps around town in the first place, but if you are going to try to kill me, why not just use the usual "I don't have to indicate before I turn into a side road" ploy like everyone else? huh? However, some blame must obviously go to the other shit-heads who decided to put the crossing there in the first place!

Ok rant over. Congrats to Jan on getting engaged to Phil at new year. Can't think of any better news I could've heard... well ok, maybe I can think of a few things.

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 18:48

Presbyterians is an anagram of Britney Spears

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Just thought I'd share that with y'all. Thank fuck the holidays are over!!! I hate xmas/new year with a passion y'know? I mean if you're a lonesome soul it obviously tends to highlight this fact when you see all these other people doing stuff and supposedly having "fun". But even people in a relationship, with close family/friends often have bad shit at that time of year, right? I really think I would like to dissappear to some remote place or find some holiday where folk can ignore it all and go walking in the country or something next year.

This year I was fully intending to not eat/drink more than usual... maybe less and do some music/reading and stuff, but I slipped into a mixture of comfort eating/drinking and general overindulgence so as to feel less excluded. So of course now I feel fat and broke like usual, bugger!

Anyhow another year is here and who knows what it will bring eh? Happiness maybe? Or do you make your own happiness? Or is it a state of mind maybe? Maybe I should run a poll on that?

Ok, I have to go to the office in a minute to pick up my briefcase and diary so I know wtf I have to do tomorrow, lol.

2004 snogs

posted by Andy 07:58

Review of 2003

Thursday, January 01, 2004

here

posted by Andy 12:21