Friday, August 29, 2003

Yesterday was a bad day. I felt generally lousy and got a total of absolutely zilch done all day. I had little plans but they didn't happen... just feel very empty, detached, useless and inert. Happy days are here again eh? Seems like everyone is going through a bad time these days, well certainly the guys on this netty thingummy... you know, relationships ending and stuff. I hope things perk up for you all soonest.

I should really toddle along and see OkGo when they play here in a few weeks, days, months????? I forget when they are playing. Should go... but I doubt I'll get the motivation together. Seem to enjoy nothing and look forward to less... maybe I should just dissappear............................... . . . . . . . .

posted by Andy 18:54

Saturday, August 23, 2003

New Song

Finally motivated myself to finish a song last night/this morning so if you are desirous you can listen or download it here.

I'm going away to the midlands till Tuesday (my birthday, hint, hint) so play nicely while I'm gone, ok?

snogs

posted by Andy 12:16

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Geo W Bush - Intelligence in doubt

So today they have captured Chemical Ali eh? The guy they killed a couple of months back. Do these guys realise that no-one can trust anything they tell us anymore? So many times they change their stories without admitting it, then swear blind that something is true... then a while later they announce something completely different. Mind you I have no confidence in most institutions these days... but that's another story.

Nothing much to blog about apart from the fact that I am going away for the weekend to visit a friend. Haven't a clue what I'll get up to as I'm not the best of company right now... witness the chance meeting with E & M this afternoon in town. It's stupid but I couldn't think of anything to say and just wanted to get away. But you guys don't want to read this stuff.

Gonna have a pasta and tomato salad now

snogs

posted by Andy 19:25

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Household Bank sucks big time,

yeah, so sue me! Those losers are still on my case ringing up and trying to sell me consolidation loans a whole year after I told them where to stick their business. First they employed some dipstick girl who mis-sold me an aforementioned deal *andy was a gullible tit* which transpired was much more expensive and difficult to administer than the original arrangements I had... so eventually I kick up a stink and pay the lot off by transferring it onto a credit card and get this, I requested a settlement figure more than once which wasn't forthcoming... so my calculation was, like, 43pence or summat different from theirs. No big deal you may think. Oh no! They are still sending me statements and adding interest, lol which must be costing them more than that 43pence every single time... and now the phone calls, always the bleeding phone calls. So I reiterate, they suck big time.

Had my first counselling session on Monday which was ok I guess. May get referred for psychotherapy, yay! We'll have to see. Today I got signed off for another month and the meds upped, so I trotted into town for the first time in over two weeks to get the pills and stuff. That was a reasonable achievement, plus this was about the first day I surfaced from my pit, let alone left the flat, before the PM in a similar timescale... well the appointment was at 8.05am *yawns*, anyway I didn't sleep a hell of a lot so was kind've awake.

Wish this monitor would stop with the flickering already! It's only been here a week and already with the flickering!!! It semmed to start with all those MS Blaster worm updates Mr Gates chucked my way, or am I just paranoid??? Really don't want the hassle of getting ANOTHER replacement monitor. Maybe I'll do some diagnostics or check for new drivers or whatever... that'll be fun *rolls eyes to ceiling*

snogs

posted by Andy 20:02

Thursday, August 14, 2003

I don't exist

It's official, I totally blend into the scenery chameleon-like. Now I knew I hadn't made much of an impact on the world over the years, but this is ridiculous. On my daily depression-beating foray into the outside world of the racecourse all seemed to be going fine... sun was out, not too hot, no-one hassling and only the trucks and trailers arriving for the balloon festival to avoid. I arrive after a couple of miles walk at a reasonable grassy spot to lay down for a while and chill... and even manage to start reading my book! yay! In fact the book had only a few pages left when I became aware of a dull thumping noise behind me... then a shaggy presence, nay two shaggy presences above my head, one large and white, one smaller and darker. A louder thumping noise and shouting from behind me before the white shaggy thing started pissing on my bag only inches from my head!!!!!! fractions of a second later a middle-aged woman dived over me and skidded on her stomach, arms reaching out to grab white shaggy, hairy thing. Now this was maybe enough in isolation but this is the third time in three years that this sort've thing has happened. Dogs obviously don't register the fact that I'm a human being and just assume I am part of the scenery... like a tree or a litter bin or summat, jesus!

Received my counselling appointment today which is for this coming Monday. In all my years of on and off looniness this is the first time I have been referred for counselling so I have no real clue what to expect. I know there are different types of counselling but further than that my expertise don't go. Just have to see what happens I suppose... wow, maybe it'll change my life forever... hmmmmmmm

snogs

posted by Andy 19:57

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Received my new monitor today so I'm back online. To explain for anyone remotely interested, last Thursday night I was chatting with Sladja for the first time in weeks after she got back from the coast when... my monitor went blank. Scary or what? Much checking of connections ensued till I realised it must be a fault with the monitor. I really thought I would've reacted a lot more to it but I'm kinda emotionally numb right now. I think normally (whatever that is) I would have shouted and kicked something, but I didn't... weird. Still, that's another thing to add to my list of recent domestic appliance woe:

1. Mobile phone handset faulty
2. I killed my fridge
3. Guitar amp broke
4. Electric kettle died
5. PC monitor died

now there was me thinking these things came in threes.... hmmmm

Was so quiet not being able to chat on AIM or Yahoo over the weekend, so yay for extended service plan thingummies.

I'm not really doing a great deal with myself right now as am lacking motivation muchly as you would expect, but I guess I'm at least a little more calm for not having to think (much) about work. I have had some really nice txt's from volunteers which I have appreciated a lot... much more than the annoying clowns who keep ringing my phone all the time... I got so bugged that I disconnected it more than once. I mean no, I don't want to "sign up" for your no-obligation info pack mr "I'm reading this sales script with real feeling so you won't notice" and thankfully I DO have enough residual brain-juice to realise that the key phrase was "sign up", meaning that I have to make a call to some telemarketing line, guarded by god knows how many levels of queueing then hand on for 30 mins before I can cancel the service. I so miss my caller display... sob, sob

ok, so I really oughta drag myself round the park for some sun and exercise like a good boy.

snogs 2u

posted by Andy 15:12

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

get a life

So here I am signed off on the sick for at least two weeks. It's the old looney thing again in a different guise to kill or cure. Some of you may know that this has been building up in the background for months but yesterday I had to go to the quack. Now that's not easy these days, first they give you and appointment in over a week's time (like you have to predict when you are going to be ill) alternatively I have to ring up at exactly 8am to grab an "emergency" appointment. Now that makes you feel a complete fraud when your main problem is an inability to cope with the present or see a future and it's already taken balls to admit this failure. Anyhow, I got a slot at 11.15 and duly walked the 1.5 miles or so in the heat, then was in the waiting room till about 12.20 with noisy kids and old women talking loudly about each other's bowels e.g. "do you manage to open your bowels in the morning?", "ooh it's like laying an egg", "I take lactulose at night", "I'm here for a tetanus cuz I saved a rat from a cat and it bit me, stupid really cuz the cat probably got the rat later", "I'm supposed to go to canada in the autumn, but i'll have to see what my bowels are like" etc, etc. I eventually get into the consulting room feeling anxious as hell and the GP is swearing at his computer cuz he can't get my records up. Then I have to try and tell him what the problem is which is really hard when you are having to admit you are a failure and describe feelings and thoughts. Well I have had an experience where a GP reduced me to tears in similar circumstances by shouting at me, so thankfully this guy was ok and to save his precious time I told him:

a) it's my mental health
b) I have a history
c) I am in the business

then I give him a list of symptoms that I'd typed up and he asked me what I wanted him to prescribe, dosage, how much (if any) time off, did I know of any particular counsellor or would the practice one be ok. So here I am, back on venlafaxine, off work and finding that the net is about the only contact with the outside world I can handle. Dunno about counselling, I've never been referred for that before and don't see how it can give me the life-transplant I need but I guess I should aproach it with an open mind... when I get the appointment.

Well that's me then, another empty day

posted by Andy 13:43